I’ve lost my photos before with hard drive crashes but this is worse.

Today I lost all my iPhone pictures and video for almost the past year and a half. The entire lifespan of my only child. I’m devastated right now.

The guy at the apple store ASSURED me that my pictures would be saved despite my iCloud storage being full eons ago, something about “it still syncs even if it’s not backed up” and despite me asking multiple times in different ways he convinced me to reformat my phone.

The lost videos are the worst. Videos of first bite, first crawl, first steps, first words, and how all those have transformed as she became a toddler.

When I lost my pics in my hard drive crash years ago I mainly lost places. Places I could google. Like sure I don’t have a pic of me in front of the pantheon but I can google the pantheon. I can’t google Kaya’s first step or the cute way she said “momma” as her first word. Or rather “mamamamamamama” that’s now a sophisticated “mommy, ISeeYou”

Not all is lost, I posted five pics from every trip on facebook so I’ve got those and the blog post pics I’ve already uploaded on here. My mom has some pics and videos I’m hoping to steal  from when she’s in town.

And on the bright side I’ve got Kaya. She can’t go back to being a baby and letting me recapture those moments but at least I can create new memories with her and just appreciate the time I’ve got with her that I love, whether it’s recorded or not.

Mostly tonight I can’t help but think of the loss than the silver lining. But as I grieve I’m thankful for what I do have.